Life Shines On

When someone dies we tend to try make meaning out of the loss; give it some type of purpose.  This is especially true when the death is traumatic.  It is also true that when another traumatic event occurs, those who are grieving experience a re-traumatization.  Osama Bin Laden, the mastermind of the 9/ll attacks was found and killed by American soldiers this week.  America has been grieving for ten years.  Has the death of Bin Laden re-traumatized America

At the first announcement of Bin Laden's death, young people gathered in the streets, in front of the White House and on college campuses to come together to celebrate as Americans.   The media has been covering every detail of the killing and will probably begin showing us the graphic photos of Bin Laden's dead body.  This morning I watched Robin Roberts on Good Morning America remark that even the crew in the studio was intensely watching the coverage of Bin Laden's death, which I guess is unusual.  President Obama  plans to visit Ground Zero.

In 2001, our nation had intense feelings of grief:  anger, depression, guilt.  Now I am watching us have intense feelings of victory and justice served.  Is this because we have been re-traumatized?  Re-traumatization is when we have similar intense feelings of a traumatic event we experienced in the past.  The intensity of the feelings is the re-living of the trauma.  It would only be normal that we would have these feelings. 

I also wonder how the children of those who died on 9/11 feel today?   Do they think justice has been served? Dr. Robert Klitzman, whose sister died in the World Trade Center, shared his feelings of Bin Laden's death in the New York Times.  While he is glad that the man who murdered his sister is "at the bottom of the sea", he and his family "do not want to be simply emblems of grieving family members." 

September 11, 2001, was a horrific day for America.  While I don't know that Bin Laden's death will give us closure, it would be wonderful if his death gave us peace. 

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This Friday Prince William will marry Kate Middleton and the excitement of a royal wedding is ubiquitous.   If you were old enough to watch another royal wedding in 1981, it's hard not to think of Diana at this time.  In fact, Prince William doesn't want us to forget Diana, which is why he gave Kate Diana's memorable saphire and diamond engagement ring:  "Well as you may recognize now, it's my mother's engagement ring and it's very special to me, as Kate is very special to me now as well. It was only right the two were put together," William said. "It was my way of making sure mother didn't miss out on today and the excitement and the fact that we're going to spend the rest of our lives together."  This is a young man who was close to his mother and treasured that relationship.  It has been reported that William will give a speech at the wedding to honor his mother.  But what would Diana think about William's choice to marry Kate?

People marry for many reasons, but the fairytale is when we marry  for love.  Is there some type of science in how we "fall in love"?  Dr. Harville Hendrix developed Imago couples therapy that is based on the premise that we choose our partners because the person meets an unconscious emotional need.  Our first relationship with the opposite sex is with our parent and because it is not sexual, we can objectively experience the emotional behavior of men and women.  When we are old enough to seek out a romantic partner, we tend to set up the same "type of emotional relationship" that we had with our parent because it is familiar.  Sometimes that is a positive relationship and sometimes it's not.  If there is some unresolved issue with our parent, we may seek to work it out with a partner in a marriage.  On the other side, if we had a healthy emotional relationship with our parent, then we would choose a partner who can give us that same healthy interaction.

So is William choosing a young woman that is like his mother?  Because Diana was the most watched and photographed woman in the world, I think we all feel we sort of knew her.  But in reality, we only know her through the media.  So let's look at the basics things we know about these two women.   Diana was 20 years old when she married a man 13 years older, shy, assistant at a kindergarten, aristocratic background, high school educated,  inexperienced in love (so were constantly told), her parents divorced when she was young, struggled with an eating disorder,  fashionable, and found the royal culture restricting.  She was also a dedicated advocate for children with Aids, visiting hospitals when little was known on how to contract the disease.  She was a devoted mother and wanted her sons to understand the life of those less priveledged.   As for Kate, she is 29 years old, marrying her college sweatheart, shortly worked for her family's  company, parents are still married, lives  with her fiance, fashinonable, and seems to handle the spotlight well.  There has been some hint of a cause:  bullying, which she experienced as a young child.

With the obvious similarities and differences, we really do not know if Diana and Kate are similar women.  With time we will get to know Kate, just as we did Diana.  Hopefully, William and Kate have taken the time to know if they are in a healthy relationship. There certainly hasn't been any obvious drama.   Also, we don't really know what support he received from his mother when she was alive and what emotional support he misses most right now.  If Kate and Diana are similar would that be a good thing?  Maybe.  William loved his mother so much that it would be hard to think Kate doesn't have some similarities.  It isn't necessarily a bad thing when a man marries a woman who is like his mother.  Afterall, he thinks she's wonderful...

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My first introduction to Facebook was in 2006 when the site was mainly a social network for college students.  It was the way I communicated with the young people who were the participants in my dissertation study.  I had no idea what "friending" meant or how to invite someone to read my "wall".  How things have changed in such short time.  Last week I met with the Children's Working Group of FEMA and discussed with them how the internet impacted children on 9/ll.  Anyone who has a teen knows that their main way of communicating is through texting.  One young girl who was 13 when her dad died on 9/ll told me how all of her friends were texting each other just hours after the Towers had fallen.  These teens were checking in with each other to see whose parent had been found.  Unfortunately, this young girl started to receive condolences from her friends and also from teens she really didn't know.  Since this was on the evening of 9/ll, this young girl and her family were still hopeful that her father was alive.  She said to me, " I was like, my dad didn't die yet."

 Today, watching how families and friends of the tragedy in Japan are communicating through Facebook, I am reminded of the power of social networks.  It is wonderful for these families to be able to communicate with their family half way around the world or just a couple of blocks away.  With all of the warnings of the dangers of the internet, it's great to see the positive power of facebook in a crisis. 

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Today is a sad day for the children of Elizabeth Edwards; their mother is on her deathbed.    I remember the first images of the Edwards family; a handsome young senator and his wife of 20 years with 2 adorable toddlers and a pretty young teenage daughter.  Even though they looked perfect, this family had experienced a great loss; the death of of their 16 year old son, Wade.  John and Elizabeth decided to have 2 more children, even though they were in their late 40s.  This made their union seem even stronger.  This family  exuded strength and courage.  

Unfortunately, this image was short-lived.  Over the past 10 years, we have watched this family unravel from being very attractive, educated, wealthy, with traditional American values to one of complete chaos.   Over achievers in every way, the Edwards' well exceeded the number of stressful events a family can experience in one lifetime:  the death of a 16 year old son, pregancies at age 48 and 50, vice-presidential candidacy, diagnosis of breast cancer, infidelity, bastard child, sex tapes, separation and all of this on national public television.     

I can't imagine how a 10 and 12 year old has coped in this household.  And I don't want to forget, Cate, who is about to try and take on the role of her mother.  There are just some things you can't protect from your children.  I think Elizabeth has tried very hard to be a wonderful mother, but circumstances have made it extremely challenging.  It isn't fair for these children to have experienced so much conflict, stress, and sorrow in the first 10 years of their lives.  But I do believe we can find strength in the chaos.  We have watched other young children rise above the chaos in similar circumstances.  Remember when we watched the infidelity, sex audiotapes, separation of another family who seemed ot have it all?  Prince William was around the age of Emma and Jack when his mother tragically died.  Maybe he could send his support...

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Justice Ginsburg grew up in Brooklyn, where her mother worked in a garment factory.  Her mother died one day before Justice Ginsburg was to graduate from high school.   Losing a mother this young might have sent her down a very bad path.  Her sister had died during childhood, as well.  She certainly had reason to be angry.  However, in an interview Justice Ginsburg shared this thought about her mother:  "I pray that I may be all that she would have been had she lived in an age when women could aspire and achieve and daughters are cherished as much as sons".      

While Justice Sonia Sotomayor's background of being Catholic, living in the Bronx, and losing her father, was very different to Justice Ginsburg's background,  she too, has great admiration for her mother.  After her father died, Justice Sotomayor's mother worked 2 jobs to support her children.  The research has shown that the surviving parent is critical in how the child processes the death of a parent.  At the induction ceremony, Justice Sotomayor, credited her mother for her success with this moving statement:  "I stand on the shoulders of countless people, yet there is one extraordinary person who is my life aspiration.  That person is my mother, Celina Sotomayor."   Obviously, her mother was a great surviving parent. 

Justice Elena Kagen was raised in a more affluent family than the other two Justices and both of her parents lived to see many of her professional successes.  However, in accepting her appointment to the Supreme Court, Justice Kagen revealed her feelings of her parents not living to see her ultimate success:  "If this day has just a touch of sadness in it for me, it is because my parents aren't here to share it."  Justice Kagen was fortunate to have her parents on earth much longer so that she feels their investment in her accomplishments.  Yet, they aren't here to share her ultimate success.  No matter how old you are, when you are celebrating a major event in your life, you want to feel the pride of your parents.  

What a difference a parent can make, even when the circumstances are extremely hard.  In working with families and children whose parent has died, I believe a good parent, either through living or through spirit, can inspire a child to greatness.   I attended a banquet this year for the children of 9/ll to present my dissertation study.  I was shocked and saddened when I heard the woman next to me say, "It's 'game over' for these kids".  It wasn't "game over" for the Justices, was it?   Life Shines On in the Supreme Court. 

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                                   Losing a Parent on 9/ll Means…

Losing a parent on 9/ll means how much of the story do you tell people and how much will they ask?

Losing a parent on 9/ll means I just kept thinking he has to come back cause I’m only 13. 

Losing a parent on 9/ll means I’ve become more independent, I had to grow up faster, I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye.

Losing a parent on 9/ll means we couldn’t have a funeral until they had at least a piece of him.

Losing a parent on 9/ll means Father’s Day stinks.

Losing a parent on 9/ll means people say with time the pain fades, but I don’t think that’s true.

Losing a parent on 9/ll means I live with more fear; I’m more aware of what could happen.

Losing a parent on 9/ll means I didn’t stop believing, but why would God do this to such a great man?

Losing a parent on 9/ll means I like to think my Mom is still around.

Losing a parent on 9/ll means you always pictured your wedding day to be perfect and your Dad’s not going to be there; that’s not perfect.

Losing a parent on 9/ll means when you read about the event in history class it really hits you, “Wow, this happened to the world.”

Losing a parent on 9/ll means it wasn’t my choice my Dad was killed, I had no say in it.

Losing a parent on 9/ll means I don’t want September 11^th to define who I am.

Losing a parent on 9/ll means it really really sucks, but I can’t change that.

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These miners have an inner strength and resiliency that comes from within.  Even though they have created a hierarchal system, I believe they are an example of a community that values ALL LIVES.  This is most evident in their decision to wait until there is enough food for them to eat together.  I can think of some leaders who would eat in shifts, thinking that would be more efficient.  Also, Mr. Gomez's decision of breaking them into groups to create a buddy system, reflects an understanding of the need to bond.  These men are an inspiration for all; let's keep them in our prayers.  

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Last night I, like millions of others, found myself watching the season finale of the Bachelorette.   In case you aren't up to date, Chris was the last bachelor to be sent home and he was heartbroken.  Earlier in the show, Chris had shared that, before his mother died of cancer, over a year ago, she told him to look for her in rainbows.  Last night, immediately after he was told to go home, he walked outside and saw a huge, bright rainbow in the sky.  Chris said he believes this rainbow was his mother telling him things would be okay. 
While there may be some skeptics about believing in "signs" from someone who has died, I think we really don't know---and how wonderful if this is true.  In the last 10 years, as a clinician working with children, teens, and adults, who are grieving, I've seen this phenomena of "signs" or "rainbows" quite often.  Even in my study on the children of 9/ll, most of the participants spoke of a moment where they believe their parent was watching over them or sending them a sign that things are okay.  One young girl, whose mother died in the World Trade Center told me that when she turned 16, her aunt bought her a used volkswagon.  The car was immaculate; cleaned inside and out.  But when she sat in the seat and popped open the ashtray, there was an old ticket for the observatory deck on the World Trade Center.  Another rainbow?  She thought so...me too.

Chris, the bachelor, is in good company in believing in rainbows.  Paul McCartney wrote the song, Let It Be, in honor of his mother, Mary, who died when Paul was just 14 years old.  "Mother, Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom...Let it Be, Let it Be..."  

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I love going to the movies and an air-conditioned theatre is a great way to escape the heat of the summer; especially this summer!  So when I read that Eat Pray Love is debuting this August, I thought, "that's a good summer movie".  For those of you who have missed all of the excitement about Elizabeth Gilbert's book, Eat Pray Love, it is an account of how Gilbert coped with her divorce, the breakup of a relationship, and her decision to not follow the traditional path of becoming a mother.  As a therapist, I witness, both men and women struggling with life's transitions.  My professional and personal view is that some of our hardest times can turn our lives into something better.  That seems to be what happened for Gilbert.  Although I think, ultimately, she was wrestling with following her own dreams versus taking the more traditional path in life.  After much self nuturing through food and then contemplation she became comfortable with her choice.  It would be great if we didn't have to feel the pain, but that's unavoidable.   I think if we can understand that the pain can be temporary and that it is a opportunity to re-evaluate our lives; maybe things will be even better.  For as a good friend of mine told me once when I was going through a difficult time, "this too shall pass".  Pain can be temporary, if we choose to look for that which makes us feel whole.  And sometimes that starts with chocolate, but can end in love.   

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Yesterday, University of Kentucky's star basketball player, John Wall, was the #1 NBA draft pick and he's coming to Washington.   So it was no surprise that a feature article in the Washington Post's sport section on Sunday was all about John Wall and his rise to success.  The main focus of the article was about John's relationship with his father, who died when he was just 8 years old.  What should have been an article about strength and post-traumatic growth, was one of meanness.  Washington Post reporter Eric Prisbell was extremely insensitive and cruel in his effort to destroy the pride John Wall feels about his deceased father.  You see, John's father was in prison for 30 years and Mr. Prisbell cannot understand why any child would revere a parent who spent most of his life in jail.  So it was not enough for this reporter to accept that John loves his father, even though, as John puts it, "well, because for one thing, that's my Dad."  So Mr. Prisbell decides to ask John, while sitting on the bleachers during a practice,  if John is aware that his father was not only in jail for robbery, but that he was also convicted of a murder.  Reading John's words, "Ohhhh.  Oh, I didn't even know, I didn't know," made me furious.  But John obviously recomposed and responded to this reporter with the words of a child who experienced the death of a parent, "He brought me onto this earth and like everbody, makes mistakes.  Everyone is not going to be perfect...Like I said, he was there for me." 

John Wall, your father gave us You; a star.  He must have been a really good person deep inside and that goodness is forever living on in you.  Welcome to Washington.  

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