When I started working with children who lost a parent I wanted to have a better understanding of the perspective of the child. So I decided to ask the one who knows what it is like to lose a parent during childhood.
Many studies have been conducted on children and grief. Most of the studies are based on the adults' observations. By interviewing adults who had lost a parent during childhood we learn what events and circumstances had the greatest impact during that time. Even if the adult's view is not completely accurate, it is important that we realize this view is the adult's reality.
For several years I conducted focus groups with adults who lost a parent at an early age. I learned a lot about early loss. The group met once a month for a year and I chose two topics each month. Sometimes I assigned a task that the participants were to complete before the next meeting. For example I find early loss adults have difficulty asking friends for a favor. In one session I passed out the names and phone numbers of everyone in the group. I told them to call someone on the list for a favor. The group found this exercise extremely painful.
Within each group several themes reoccurred. The last group was very disturbed about their intimate relationships. The participants were all women between the ages 27 to 46. None of them had married and only one was in a committed relationship. We began the sessions on relationships with an intimacy test. I concluded that these individuals have great difficulty in being vulnerable.
While the purpose of the focus group was to further my understanding of grief, the participants told me they found the sessions therapeutic. The groups found comfort in learning that their struggles were normal in respect to their early loss. However, there are scars. Because most early loss adults have learned to create a "together" appearance, their difficulties are hidden. But once the participants in the focus groups understood the impact of their early loss, they wanted more information. If you have had an early loss, hopefully you will find this information helpful.
Here are some things I learned from the focus groups:
The Intrusion of Death: Do You Know How Your Parent Died?
It is common for surviving parents not to explain to a child ho the parent died. When the child reaches adulthood he/she realizes they vaguely know the circumstances of the death. Often it is at this time that the adult child will research the details of the death.
Milestone Events: Graduation, Birthdays, Marriage, and Birth of a Child
There is a "re-living" of the loss when milestone events occur in the adult child's life. During childhood, adolescence and early adulthood these events are a part of the developmental process of understanding the death.
Gender Differences: Loss of a Mother vs. Loss of a Father
The biological role of a mother and the biological role of a father are different. When one parent dies, that particular role is lost.
Siblings: Death Defines the Relationship
Most siblings do not discuss with each other the death of the parent. However, there are many siblings who will talk about certain aspects of the death, specifically, the changes that resulted within the family.
Physical and Emotional Symptoms: How the Body Helps the Mind Cope
A child may develop physical or emotional symptoms that are similar to the illness or circumstances of the death of the parent. These symptoms stay throughout adulthood.
Intimate Relationships
When a child loses a parent, there is a loss of security. These children become adults who have difficulty forming intimate bonds.
Spirituality
In my focus groups the majority of attendees had chosen a profession in the "helping" fields (nurse, dietician, social worker). In talking about death, these adults have a deeper spiritual sense.
Independent/Counter-dependent
Adults who experienced an early loss are proud of their independence. What they fail to see is that they are really counter-dependent. These individuals find it painful to "ask" someone for a favor. They would rather do it themselves.
The Surviving Parent
The research states that the surviving parent determines how well the child adjusts to the death. Each adult has a different relationship with the surviving parent. This relationship is based on how this parent coped with the death.
View of Success
As adults we want to think our parents are proud. When the parent is not present the definition of success and the desire of success changes.
My Memory: The One Moment I Can't Forget
Children grieve differently than adults. Therefore, the adults are unaware of actions that a child may consider insensitive. For example, Rosie O'Donnell tells of how the school she was attending created a memorial for her mother in a glass case in the foyer of the school. As a child Rosie believed that her mother was in the memorial. The school thought this was an honor. This eight-year-old child found it scary.
Is It a Gift?
I had a fourteen year old little girl who lost her mother tell me that she believed the death was a gift. She missed her mother terribly, but she believed the death helped her understand the meaning of life.
